I shared on my podcast episode that I am a recovering people pleaser. I’ve been doing a little research on the subject since I am “recovering” and not “recovered” at this point in my life. Proverbs 29:25 says: “Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the LORD is kept safe.” Boy have I proved that out many times over! Edward Welch says in his book, “When People Are Big and God is Small” that “...both God and man have a deep longing for relationship. This longing is defined as a subjective experience that is deeper than emotion. It is a passion for relationship. For God, this means that he exists in joyous relationship with himself - Father, Son, Holy Spirit. It also means that God has a longing for restoration of relationship with his children.” We all long to be seen as we are, faults and all and still accepted. Being a people pleaser puts other people in charge of our value and worth by default.

We have been created in the image of God. Welch writes “ The fact that God created Adam and Eve indicates that the image of God in man could not be complete in any one non-divine person. ..His glory is too immense to be clearly reflected in any one creature. The image of God is corporate in that we all share in it.....We were created as people with limited gifts and abilities. All the gifts of God are not contained in one person. Therefore, we need other people in order to accomplish God’s purposes and most accurately reflect his unlimited glory...It takes the entire church to provide a vague imitation of the glory of God....To be created in the image of God means that we are like God in every way a creature can be like him, to the praise of his glorious grace (Eph. 1:6, 12, 14). Knowing that truth helps me be more accepting of the gifts and abilities God has given me.

We live in an age of validation craving with all the Social Media outlets. As humans we crave validation, but to seek that from mere humans is not wise and can lead us to some dangerous places. Galatians 1:10 says “For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.” Romans 13:8 says to “owe no one anything, except to love each other, for the one who loves another has fulfilled the law.” Our goal is to love people more than need them and to not fear them.

Abraham Lincoln seemed to understand this concept as he said: “You can please some of the people all the time, and you can please all of the people some of the time, but you can’t please all of the people all of the time.” Sounds like he understood the snare that comes from people-pleasing. My first memory of the fear of people was my first day of first grade. I am not sure why I felt so terrified, but as I stood there with my mom, my tears overcame me, this just made me stand out more and get more looks, which intensified my fear. Somehow I survived school, but I can look back and see that people pleasing was something that held me back from reaching my full potential. I wish I could go back to the 1st grade Karen and comfort her, but it is somehow healing just being able to re-frame that fear.

Some good things that have come with living 50 some years is wisdom. I see the foolishness of people pleasing for what it is and now strive to please God and seek my validation from Him. Social media, mere man and my reflection in the mirror are not what validates me. I love this poem my friend Nycole wrote about this:

We are all a work in progress. The more we look for validation and approval outside of ourselves, the more we reinforce the feeling that we need it, and our self-worth will be at the whim of the person, or people we are wanting validation from. God knows us better than we know ourselves. Jesus told the woman at the well just some of the unflattering things he knew about her, this did not drive her away from Him, but to Him. In His eyes and words she was validated in a way that we can all be validated. I love the verse that says “Come and see a man who told me everything I’ve done!” That does not sound like a person being invalidated and criticized, but a woman being loved unconditionally and feeling joyous about it. I don’t know about you, but I will take more of that.....We don’t need to earn love from people when God gives it to us freely. He validates us, the One who knows everything about us, more than we know ourselves.